Jab They Met: What happened at the imaginary Bollywood Babies Convention!
Time: 11 am. Venue: A Bandra apartment building. The paps have been in a tizzy as the celebs roll in, in their fancy cars. The swish sedans and luxury SUVs glide to a halt and out pour the nannies, the bodyguards, the prams, the toys and the baskets of healthy food… it is after all, the first session of the BBC – the Bollywood Babies Convention.
‘Aaradhya, here please, look here!’ ‘Roohi, Yash, one pose, one pose, smile together…’ the photogs shout out their instructions. Madness reigns…
Till Aaradhya takes control. She adjusts her tiara, rolls her eyes, raises one hand to warn them back and with the other, gestures to her fellow convention attendees to follow her.Within minutes they are ensconced in their conference hall, which happens to be the playroom of Taimur Ali Khan…
Taimur: Salaam-namastey! Friends, Bollywood babies, countrymen, lend me your ears! Hounded kids of the Bolly world, unite, we have nothing to lose but our paparazzi pains!
AbRam: Like totally, man. Was a time when I kinda liked these guys but yikes, I was such a baby then. Now I’m practicing my big bro Aryan’s super bored look. See…see… (he shrivels his eyes to slits and raises one end of his mouth in a smirk)
Adira: (Speaking from behind a book) Hah, that will just give you premature wrinkles.
Aaradhya: Oh darlings, with Total Repair 5 you need never bother about…(she is cut short mid-sentence)
Roohi and Yash: Guys, guys, grow up. We’re not here for koffee with khakra and beauty tips. This problem is getting out of hand. It’s time to nip it now or live in the goldfish bowl forever!
Taimur: You know ol’ chaps, the problem is starting to get on my nerves. Why, these websites are now even insinuating that I have in-house competition in the cuteness stakes – from my cousin Inaaya Naumi, right here! I mean, anyone can see who the winner is, right?
Inaaya: (Batting her grey eyes) I’m sure they do, Tim.
Taimur/ Tim: (Looking flustered for a moment) Well, glad that’s sorted… Point is, it’s getting a tad too much, guys. I sit in my swing near the window, minutes later some chappie has papped me, the websites have posted it and they’re calling me a ‘swinger’! I mean, seriously??
Adira: (Still buried behind a book) You chaps should take a tip or two from Adi Chopra. My papa sure knows a thing or two about keeping the paps at bay – and he doesn’t even need to say a word!
Misha: (Just entering) Oh, ditto with my mama! Boy, can she glare them down in the park if they get too close. I think it’s a Delhi thing, tee hee.
Aaradhya: It’s too much pressure. I’m even running out of fancy hairbands now!
Taimur: I know what you mean. Living up to your fashion icon status doesn’t come easy. Sad part is, even if I’m stepping out in formals all they can gush about is how cute I supposedly am. ‘Cute’ is not what a guy is aiming for, you know!
Inaaya: (Batting her grey eyes) Me neither! But some of us are just born with it.
Roohi and Yash: Okay, okay, let’s get down to business. Just how do we stop getting constantly papped?
Taimur: Well, the other day I tried changing my game and started bawling. Didn’t work. They continued clicking and then gushed about how my crying was a cute departure from my always smiling face! Arrrrggggh!!!
Misha: Yeah, I’m kinda sick of this constant media speculation too. They’ve got nothing better to do than wonder if Tim and I will be cast in Jab We Met 2? Please, I would want a completely fresh script not something that’s so last millennium!
Roohi and Yash: Being good kids is not getting us anywhere – that much is clear. To keep the paps at bay, it’s time to go bad… No smiles, just frowns. Or if you can’t manage that, then the most bored, uninterested expressions, like this… (both pull sad, long faces)
Taimur: (gleefully) Yeah, it’s time to break bad… break bad wind! And a couple of burps, too. Might just drive them away!
Aaradhya: Eeew, that’s gross! I suggest a nice long explanation to them on why the paparazzi culture is harmful in the long run and could cause damage to young psyches, the importance of consent, and the ugly intrusiveness into privacy…
Adira: (Still concealed, yawns) That should work. There’s nothing anyone hates more than a lecture!
AbRam: (Wakes up) Darn, I fell asleep! Every time I try the super-bored look I just nod off…
Yash and Roohi: (Standing up) Excuse us, we have to leave. Oscar de la Renta just announced their new collection.
Taimur: Wait, I’m still learning to burp at will! And Inaaya, what happened to your mouth?
Inaaya: Just perfecting my pout, cuz. When in the goldfish bowl, do as the goldfish!
Aaradhya: (Waving that elegant typical beauty pageant winner wave) Goodbye! Let’s do our bit for our planet, for the endangered giant panda, the turtles on Versova beach…
AbRam: (Still sporting his ‘Aryan’ look): Yeah, I’ll catch y’all later. Zzzz…zzzz…
